Friday, May 20, 2011

Our Love Story - Part VI

**Warning - Extremely personal post!!!**

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I seriously think Caleb is my angel on earth.  I have been through so much as an individual in the past decade, which forced Caleb to go through it all as well.  God has truly shown Himself to me through Caleb and his family in so many ways.

I'm not going to explain every molehill that we have been through as a couple so far, but there are a few instances that stand out in my mind and I think they have shaped who we are as God's children and as a couple.

Caleb grew up as a missionary/preacher's kid.  I'm not saying that makes him perfect by any means, but  most of his decisions were/are made with God's plan in mind and much prayer is put into his and his family's everyday life.

Even though I grew up in the church and had great Godly influences around me, my knowledge barely scratched the surface of what it meant to be a child of God.  I put a lot of emphasis on outward appearance, took things that people said very personally, and depended a LOT on Caleb.  It took a while, but God slowly broke me down and built me back up to understand that I don't need the best of worldly things, the approval of others, or someone to pick me up every time something goes wrong to have a fulfilled life.

In college I became extremely depressed and paranoid.  I contemplated suicide three times and even started cutting myself to make the pain of certain things that had happened in recent years better.  I thought if I felt pain on the outside I would feel better on the inside. I was very good at concealing this.  Most people in my life don't know how low I got and how much I still struggle with depression daily, but Caleb sat by me so many times as I laid in bed for days with no affect or cried for hours because I had no idea what else to do, or locked myself in my bathroom as I cut away, or was paranoid that someone was talking behind my back and couldn't get over it.  I should have known then that he loved me because most guys would have hit the road long ago!

But Caleb didn't give up on me.  He set up doctor's appointments and counseling sessions for me and even went with me.  I took four different anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications before finding a combination that worked for me and went to therapy for five months with three different counselors.

Today, my thinking has changed.  I pray so much more and know that the only thing I really need is God's love.  Even my earthly angel, Caleb, can't fix everything.  Even though I have so much to learn about being Christ-like and I sin daily, and will always fall short of God's glory, I know that He will never leave me and with God on my side, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26 paraphrased).

No, I have no one horrific life challenge that brought me down, but it was part of God's plan to make the christian, wife, mother, and friend that I am today.

As God was bringing me closer to Him, Caleb was planning a proposal to ask me to be his wife...

 With Caleb's family around 2003

Caleb's birthday 2006

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