Sunday, May 29, 2011
MIA
I have a feeling I might be a little MIA this week as I get things ready for Emmalyn's first birthday party on Saturday. However, there will be a TON of photos and a little extra something to post next week!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Our Love Story - Part X
I'm sure you will be glad to know that this is the final part of Our Love Story... for now.
Since I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. I would even pray to God that he didn't come back to earth until I became one which is so funny because I know Heaven is going to be exponentially better than anything I'll experience on earth. But, it you ask any my friends or family they will tell you that I was looking forward to motherhood. Caleb and I even talked about how future children often. I had a running list of names for boys and girls (since I was twelve). I remember one night Caleb and I were sitting at a restaurant waiting for our food to come and we were imagining out loud what our children would look like.
After becoming a nurse and getting a job in the NICU my baby fever grew more and it didn't help that we had four very cute nieces and one nephew. I love being an aunt, but every time I was around any of them I felt a little sad. They are all such wonderful children and I wanted one of my own.
Caleb knew my love for children since we were fifteen but we decided to wait a while before trying to have one.
After BCT I stressed my desire to be a mother to Caleb but he was still pretty persistant on waiting until we figured out what God had in store for us with the military.
On Easter 2009 I dropped Caleb off at Fort Rucker for him to attend WOCS (Warrant Officer Candidate School). We were apart for 7 weeks. On the day I got to see him after the 7 weeks Caleb showed me a timeline that he had put together for our family over the time he was in WOCS. He had a notebook full of prayers and concerns about having a child and even had a pros and cons list of having child sooner rather than later. We talked for a while and decided together that we would like to try to conceive before the year was over. I was so touched by all the thought he had put into it and could tell he wanted to make me happy but was also terrified of being responsible of another human being at the same time.
We moved to Alabama in June 2009 and after finding a job and getting settled I stopped taking birth control.
In September, while Brandon (Caleb's friend and Emmalyn's Godfather) was away we had Crissy (Brandon's wife) over for dinner. I had been counting out my cycle for the past three months and knew I was ovulating on this day so I was a little anxious because this was the first month I was off BC. After dinner Caleb offered for Crissy to stay and watch some TV but she declined. I was so happy because I wanted to "get busy." So, thank you Crissy, but leaving us be that night because that was the night we conceived Emmy. TMI?!
Anyway, just three weeks later on October, 11 we were sitting around the house after church and I decided to take a pregnancy test. I took it, put it on the sink and went to make some lunch. I got so into my lunch and then started doing laundry that I forgot about it. Clearly, I didn't think anything was going to come of it. When I went back into the bathroom to put up some towels I saw it and held it up to read pregnant.
For a split second I was confused. I wasn't even late yet. I just took it for the heck of it. Was this really true?! I called Caleb into the bathroom and showed it to him. He looked me in the eye and said, "seriously?"
We both sat on our bed in disbelief just smiling to ourselves.
Then, my brilliant husband broke the silence by saying, "I've got super sperm!"
This was the absolute best day of my life. Honestly. Thinking of all the possibilities that the future held, how there was something from both of us growing inside me, and how much I loved that baby already. I can't even begin to explain how much love I felt at that moment and how blessed we were.
We have so many friends in our life that have and are having trouble getting pregnant and here I was, barely off birth control and pregnant! I still am reminded of how blessed I am to be a mother to such an amazing child when so many around me are trying so hard for the same thing.
I know we all complain, but being a mother is one thing I try to never complain about even on the hard days. I don't know if there will be more children (we are planning on it) in our future, but I know that even if there isn't, I am experiencing one of God's greatest gifts. I mean, how can I love someone so much and am willing to die for her and think there is no God? He is awesome and loves me and Caleb and Emmalyn more than I can fathom!
Even though Caleb was nervous about becoming a dad, and frankly, I was kind of nervous about him too, he has been and continues to be an amazing father. It shows in how much Emmalyn loves him. When she was 3 months old he told me he wanted to try to have another one!
My response: "can I get a break please?!"
Our Emmalyn is the greatest representation of our love for each other and I hope our love for God is shown through her.
** For all the struggling mothers-to-be, please keep praying. I'm praying with you. I truly don't think that God would put such a desire to love one of His children in our hearts and not make it happen. Whether it is medical intervention, adoption, or prayer, I know so many women who are great mother's already and I'm so blessed to have them in Emmy's life.
Since I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. I would even pray to God that he didn't come back to earth until I became one which is so funny because I know Heaven is going to be exponentially better than anything I'll experience on earth. But, it you ask any my friends or family they will tell you that I was looking forward to motherhood. Caleb and I even talked about how future children often. I had a running list of names for boys and girls (since I was twelve). I remember one night Caleb and I were sitting at a restaurant waiting for our food to come and we were imagining out loud what our children would look like.
After becoming a nurse and getting a job in the NICU my baby fever grew more and it didn't help that we had four very cute nieces and one nephew. I love being an aunt, but every time I was around any of them I felt a little sad. They are all such wonderful children and I wanted one of my own.
Caleb knew my love for children since we were fifteen but we decided to wait a while before trying to have one.
After BCT I stressed my desire to be a mother to Caleb but he was still pretty persistant on waiting until we figured out what God had in store for us with the military.
On Easter 2009 I dropped Caleb off at Fort Rucker for him to attend WOCS (Warrant Officer Candidate School). We were apart for 7 weeks. On the day I got to see him after the 7 weeks Caleb showed me a timeline that he had put together for our family over the time he was in WOCS. He had a notebook full of prayers and concerns about having a child and even had a pros and cons list of having child sooner rather than later. We talked for a while and decided together that we would like to try to conceive before the year was over. I was so touched by all the thought he had put into it and could tell he wanted to make me happy but was also terrified of being responsible of another human being at the same time.
We moved to Alabama in June 2009 and after finding a job and getting settled I stopped taking birth control.
In September, while Brandon (Caleb's friend and Emmalyn's Godfather) was away we had Crissy (Brandon's wife) over for dinner. I had been counting out my cycle for the past three months and knew I was ovulating on this day so I was a little anxious because this was the first month I was off BC. After dinner Caleb offered for Crissy to stay and watch some TV but she declined. I was so happy because I wanted to "get busy." So, thank you Crissy, but leaving us be that night because that was the night we conceived Emmy. TMI?!
Anyway, just three weeks later on October, 11 we were sitting around the house after church and I decided to take a pregnancy test. I took it, put it on the sink and went to make some lunch. I got so into my lunch and then started doing laundry that I forgot about it. Clearly, I didn't think anything was going to come of it. When I went back into the bathroom to put up some towels I saw it and held it up to read pregnant.
For a split second I was confused. I wasn't even late yet. I just took it for the heck of it. Was this really true?! I called Caleb into the bathroom and showed it to him. He looked me in the eye and said, "seriously?"
We both sat on our bed in disbelief just smiling to ourselves.
Then, my brilliant husband broke the silence by saying, "I've got super sperm!"
This was the absolute best day of my life. Honestly. Thinking of all the possibilities that the future held, how there was something from both of us growing inside me, and how much I loved that baby already. I can't even begin to explain how much love I felt at that moment and how blessed we were.
We have so many friends in our life that have and are having trouble getting pregnant and here I was, barely off birth control and pregnant! I still am reminded of how blessed I am to be a mother to such an amazing child when so many around me are trying so hard for the same thing.
I know we all complain, but being a mother is one thing I try to never complain about even on the hard days. I don't know if there will be more children (we are planning on it) in our future, but I know that even if there isn't, I am experiencing one of God's greatest gifts. I mean, how can I love someone so much and am willing to die for her and think there is no God? He is awesome and loves me and Caleb and Emmalyn more than I can fathom!
Even though Caleb was nervous about becoming a dad, and frankly, I was kind of nervous about him too, he has been and continues to be an amazing father. It shows in how much Emmalyn loves him. When she was 3 months old he told me he wanted to try to have another one!
My response: "can I get a break please?!"
Our Emmalyn is the greatest representation of our love for each other and I hope our love for God is shown through her.
Our first look
36 weeks
In labor, about to meet Emmy (I was really cold).
Minutes after she was born. Caleb just wanted to stare at her.
It was a long, but rewarding day. Look at how tired Caleb looks!
The day we brought her home.
Our little family
So in love with her!
** For all the struggling mothers-to-be, please keep praying. I'm praying with you. I truly don't think that God would put such a desire to love one of His children in our hearts and not make it happen. Whether it is medical intervention, adoption, or prayer, I know so many women who are great mother's already and I'm so blessed to have them in Emmy's life.
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you
Matthew 7:7
The above verse can be construed. I think God answers all of our prayers, maybe not in the way we want him to, but He has a plan and knows what is best for us. Trust Him and you will be blessed.
Our Love Story - Part IX
Four months into marriage things started to take a turn.
I was napping on a Sunday after church (I'm a chronic napper).
Caleb walks in and gets on the bed and starts to wake me up.
My first reaction was that he wanted to have some hanky panky and I was tired, but he had something else in mind.
I was still half asleep when I heard, "how would you feel if I went away for a little while?"
Um, okay, you have my attention and why in the world would you want to leave me, we are newly weds?!
He proceeded to tell me that he had been thinking and praying about joining the military to fly helicopters.
At this point I'm sitting straight up and listening intently while my husband tells me his plan.
He would have to attend basic training which lasts ten weeks, then we would move to Alabama so he could go through flight school and then we would be where ever the army sent us.
Apparently he had been thinking this for a long time.
A family friend of ours, who is now a Captain in his unit talked to Caleb about go to flight school and flying apaches for the SC National Guard a few years prior. Since Caleb needed a masters degree to get a job dealing with his major (psychology) and I was still in school, things were tight and we were relying on prayer and pb&j, the military seemed like a good option.
This was a big pill to swallow.
I told him we needed to pray about it together.
We decided a month later to start the flight school admission process.
It took ten months and a lot of trusting God's timing, but in October 2008 I became and army wife.
Those ten weeks Caleb was in basic training were the best thing that could have happened to me and our relationship. I lost a good bit of weight (when you live by yourself, cereal seems great for dinner), I learned how to be more independent, and I have a box full of amazing letters from my husband. During basic training we talked on the phone about a total of an hour and a half (over ten weeks) and wrote each other almost everyday. I will cherish those letters as long as I live.
I counted down the days until I got to see him again and even moved us from one place to another by myself (with the help of both of our dads to do the heavy lifting : ).
The day I saw Caleb for the first time in two and a half months I could not stop smiling. I felt like I was 16 all over again about to go on our first date. I didn't want to let him go!
After more training in our home state, we moved to Alabama six months later. This was the first time both of us had lived farther than fifteen miles from our parents.
I was scared and excited all at the same time. What would it be like? Will we make friend easily? How will I live without my mom being so close?
But Alabama turned out to be a big chapter in our life...
I was napping on a Sunday after church (I'm a chronic napper).
Caleb walks in and gets on the bed and starts to wake me up.
My first reaction was that he wanted to have some hanky panky and I was tired, but he had something else in mind.
I was still half asleep when I heard, "how would you feel if I went away for a little while?"
Um, okay, you have my attention and why in the world would you want to leave me, we are newly weds?!
He proceeded to tell me that he had been thinking and praying about joining the military to fly helicopters.
At this point I'm sitting straight up and listening intently while my husband tells me his plan.
He would have to attend basic training which lasts ten weeks, then we would move to Alabama so he could go through flight school and then we would be where ever the army sent us.
Apparently he had been thinking this for a long time.
A family friend of ours, who is now a Captain in his unit talked to Caleb about go to flight school and flying apaches for the SC National Guard a few years prior. Since Caleb needed a masters degree to get a job dealing with his major (psychology) and I was still in school, things were tight and we were relying on prayer and pb&j, the military seemed like a good option.
This was a big pill to swallow.
I told him we needed to pray about it together.
We decided a month later to start the flight school admission process.
It took ten months and a lot of trusting God's timing, but in October 2008 I became and army wife.
Those ten weeks Caleb was in basic training were the best thing that could have happened to me and our relationship. I lost a good bit of weight (when you live by yourself, cereal seems great for dinner), I learned how to be more independent, and I have a box full of amazing letters from my husband. During basic training we talked on the phone about a total of an hour and a half (over ten weeks) and wrote each other almost everyday. I will cherish those letters as long as I live.
I counted down the days until I got to see him again and even moved us from one place to another by myself (with the help of both of our dads to do the heavy lifting : ).
The day I saw Caleb for the first time in two and a half months I could not stop smiling. I felt like I was 16 all over again about to go on our first date. I didn't want to let him go!
After more training in our home state, we moved to Alabama six months later. This was the first time both of us had lived farther than fifteen miles from our parents.
I was scared and excited all at the same time. What would it be like? Will we make friend easily? How will I live without my mom being so close?
But Alabama turned out to be a big chapter in our life...
Our life at this point in photos:
My best friend got engaged while Caleb was in BCT. Her bachelorette party was so fun...We even got limousine transportation!
This is Sarah and me eating dinner
Also, while Caleb was in training I hosted a Christmas party with my favorite nurses!
I worked a lot while Caleb was gone as well. I just loved going in to the NICU and seeing those sweet innocent babies that needed someone to help take care of them. If this job doesn't give you baby fever then I don't know what will.
I was also able to spend a lot of time with family while sans husband. We even went to a USC football game and had a blast!
Finally, the day had come that I got to see Caleb for the first time in two and a half months.
This is my favorite picture from the day Caleb graduated from BCT and became a soldier.
After graduation and spending the holidays with family, the two of us took a trip to the Asheville, NC for a quick vacation before he had to go back for more training.
We visited the Biltmore Estate, drank wine, sat in a hot tub while it was below freezing outside, and ate great food!
After our short lived time together, Caleb left for another six months of training. Once he was done he was a warrant officer! I'm so proud to be an army wife, and a pilot's wife, but I'm also an officer's wife!
After graduating from WOCS, we moved to Alabama and the fun started!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Our Love Story - Part VIII
Our wedding day did not start off as a fairy tale!
On the way to the church I was involved in a hit and run, so I was on the phone with a police officer for a good portion of the morning.
After getting to the church I realized I had lost both guarders. Thank goodness for bridesmaids because Ashley picked up one from a bridal shop on her way to the church. The guarders have never been found.
About an half an hour before the ceremony was supposed to start, my mom's best friend walked into the dressing room and said something about a fire. Apparently the sanctuary caught on fire! I had such great bridesmaids because they all decided to tell everyone not to mention the fire since it was put out and taken care of without me finding out. They didn't want to stress me out, but someone didn't get the memo! I freaked out for a second until I realized it was all okay.
Once the ceremony started I didn't even realize that there was anyone else present. I cried as my dad held me tight down the aisle and couldn't stop smiling once I laid eyes on Caleb.
The reception went well with no surprises. My favorite part was our first dance. A friend of ours wrote a song just for our first dance and sang it. It was perfect!
We left the reception around 7:30pm and headed to spend our first night together in our new apartment. We were so happy! My mom had packed us a basket of food from the reception and Ashley (the bridesmaid that saved the guarder toss) gave us some champagne. The night was better than I had imagined it would be and waking up to my husband the next morning was a beautiful sight!
However, it was a conversation we had four months later that really changed our lives forever...
On the way to the church I was involved in a hit and run, so I was on the phone with a police officer for a good portion of the morning.
After getting to the church I realized I had lost both guarders. Thank goodness for bridesmaids because Ashley picked up one from a bridal shop on her way to the church. The guarders have never been found.
About an half an hour before the ceremony was supposed to start, my mom's best friend walked into the dressing room and said something about a fire. Apparently the sanctuary caught on fire! I had such great bridesmaids because they all decided to tell everyone not to mention the fire since it was put out and taken care of without me finding out. They didn't want to stress me out, but someone didn't get the memo! I freaked out for a second until I realized it was all okay.
Once the ceremony started I didn't even realize that there was anyone else present. I cried as my dad held me tight down the aisle and couldn't stop smiling once I laid eyes on Caleb.
The reception went well with no surprises. My favorite part was our first dance. A friend of ours wrote a song just for our first dance and sang it. It was perfect!
We left the reception around 7:30pm and headed to spend our first night together in our new apartment. We were so happy! My mom had packed us a basket of food from the reception and Ashley (the bridesmaid that saved the guarder toss) gave us some champagne. The night was better than I had imagined it would be and waking up to my husband the next morning was a beautiful sight!
However, it was a conversation we had four months later that really changed our lives forever...
The song that was written for our first dance.
~ “Awaken My Love"
I’ve held captive hope.
Kept dreams in their sleep.
I’ve held back the dawn of morning.
I’ve thought all was lost, and love must be through…
Until all of my waiting became about you.
Awaken my love!
Come captivate me.
Awaken the dawn and set my heart free.
Awaken a song!
Lead my first dance.
Come heaven to bless this patient romance.
I hold out my arms—please do not delay!
The hope of your coming fills me every day.
Awaken my love (2x).
Awaken a song and a dance.
Awaken my heart (2x).
Come heaven and bless this patient romance.
Photos from June 30, 2007
The origin of the fire.
Caleb with our adorable nephew and ring bearer, Micah.
The bridesmaids and me. Clockwise - Me, Ashley(friend), Alecia(sister in law), Mari Beth(cousin), Sara(sister in law), Sarah(friend), Katie Beth(friend).
Me with one of the flower girls (we had two). Her daddy is the friend that wrote our song.
Ashley and me
Does my dad look scared or what? I thought a vein in his forehead was going to explode because he was holding my arm so tight and was trying his hardest not to cry.
Caleb with the other flower girl, our niece, Lynsey.
Guarder toss
During the champagne toast someone said something that made me cry.
On the way to our home...Together!
Husband and wife for 24 hours in Miami. We left the next day on a cruise. It was a great honeymoon!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Our Love Story - Part VII
After six years together I was beginning to wonder where our relationship was headed. Although we were only 21 years old, six years was almost a fourth of my life thus far.
When Caleb and I first started dating he told me that he wanted any relationship that he was in to be routed in Christ. I thought, "okay, sounds good to me." This was way easier said than done.
Not only did he want to be abstinent until he was married, but he also told me he wouldn't tell any girl he loved her until he decided to make her his wife.
Wow! A sixteen year only boy said that!
Thankfully, our God is a forgiving God.
Not only was it hard to maintain abstinence after six years with the same person and even though we stumbled at times, not hearing "I love you" from someone that I did love so much was even harder.
Think about it, we say those three little words so often without even thinking about it. But Caleb didn't want to just throw around the phrase. He wanted it to actually mean something, and he thought it made the celibacy easier if that level of emotion wasn't brought into our courtship.
Now, looking back we don't know if it helped or hurt, but I will say that the wedding night was not horrible like some may think since we didn't "test drive the car before we bought it."
With all of that said, July 31st, 2006 changed my life forever.
It was a Monday and we had just gotten off work. Caleb came over to see me for a bit before he went home. While he was there, our friends called to see if we wanted to go ice skating later that evening. 9pm to be exact. Strange? Didn't seem strange to me at the moment. I was SO excited! This is where Caleb and I went on our first date, except it was closed so we never got to skate and now, six years later, we got our chance to go!
We ate dinner with Caleb's family and then headed to the rink. On the way there our friends called to tell us they would be a few minutes late. This was not unusual for them so I still thought this was just a spur of the moment exciting date!
Yeah, I'm not exactly going to be awarded the Nobel Prize anytime soon.
We donned our skates and headed toward the ice. I was really surprised that no one else was there to skate but figured since it was so late, a Monday, and after a hockey practice that it made sense.
We were all alone on the ice. All of a sudden the lights went down and one of my favorite songs, You've Got A Way by Shania Twain started playing over the loud speaker. Walk talked and tried not to fall while the song played, still waiting for our friends to arrive, or so I thought.
As the song changed to Far Away by Nichelback and I thought we were skating pretty strong Caleb fell. He grabbed both of my hands and fell to both knees. I tried to help him up but he stayed on his knees and held my hands extra tight. As he stubbled through a sentence or two (neither of us can recall what he said) he pulled something out of his pocket.
...AND the light bulb went off!
All I heard as he opened the box was, "I love you."
I stood there speechless. He grabbed my right hand and started to put the ring on my ring finger when I stopped him and held out my left hand. He placed the diamond on my finger, picked me up, and spun me around. As we were both laughing and smiling more than we ever have I said, "wait, you didn't even ask me anything."
He responded with, "oh yeah, will you marry me?"
After I said "YES" we skated around and talked about our future. A wedding date, children, who we needed to call and the fact that our friends were in on the plan the whole time and were never coming.
And there were a lot of "I love yous" too.
Almost eleven months to the day, I married my high school sweetheart.
But not without the devil attempting to rain on our parade first...
When Caleb and I first started dating he told me that he wanted any relationship that he was in to be routed in Christ. I thought, "okay, sounds good to me." This was way easier said than done.
Not only did he want to be abstinent until he was married, but he also told me he wouldn't tell any girl he loved her until he decided to make her his wife.
Wow! A sixteen year only boy said that!
Thankfully, our God is a forgiving God.
Not only was it hard to maintain abstinence after six years with the same person and even though we stumbled at times, not hearing "I love you" from someone that I did love so much was even harder.
Think about it, we say those three little words so often without even thinking about it. But Caleb didn't want to just throw around the phrase. He wanted it to actually mean something, and he thought it made the celibacy easier if that level of emotion wasn't brought into our courtship.
Now, looking back we don't know if it helped or hurt, but I will say that the wedding night was not horrible like some may think since we didn't "test drive the car before we bought it."
With all of that said, July 31st, 2006 changed my life forever.
It was a Monday and we had just gotten off work. Caleb came over to see me for a bit before he went home. While he was there, our friends called to see if we wanted to go ice skating later that evening. 9pm to be exact. Strange? Didn't seem strange to me at the moment. I was SO excited! This is where Caleb and I went on our first date, except it was closed so we never got to skate and now, six years later, we got our chance to go!
We ate dinner with Caleb's family and then headed to the rink. On the way there our friends called to tell us they would be a few minutes late. This was not unusual for them so I still thought this was just a spur of the moment exciting date!
Yeah, I'm not exactly going to be awarded the Nobel Prize anytime soon.
We donned our skates and headed toward the ice. I was really surprised that no one else was there to skate but figured since it was so late, a Monday, and after a hockey practice that it made sense.
We were all alone on the ice. All of a sudden the lights went down and one of my favorite songs, You've Got A Way by Shania Twain started playing over the loud speaker. Walk talked and tried not to fall while the song played, still waiting for our friends to arrive, or so I thought.
As the song changed to Far Away by Nichelback and I thought we were skating pretty strong Caleb fell. He grabbed both of my hands and fell to both knees. I tried to help him up but he stayed on his knees and held my hands extra tight. As he stubbled through a sentence or two (neither of us can recall what he said) he pulled something out of his pocket.
...AND the light bulb went off!
All I heard as he opened the box was, "I love you."
I stood there speechless. He grabbed my right hand and started to put the ring on my ring finger when I stopped him and held out my left hand. He placed the diamond on my finger, picked me up, and spun me around. As we were both laughing and smiling more than we ever have I said, "wait, you didn't even ask me anything."
He responded with, "oh yeah, will you marry me?"
After I said "YES" we skated around and talked about our future. A wedding date, children, who we needed to call and the fact that our friends were in on the plan the whole time and were never coming.
And there were a lot of "I love yous" too.
Almost eleven months to the day, I married my high school sweetheart.
But not without the devil attempting to rain on our parade first...
Right after getting engaged
The next day!
My custom made ring. He collaborated with a local jeweler to make a ring specifically for me!
WOW! Looking at old photos is making me want to go on a diet!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Our Love Story - Part VI
**Warning - Extremely personal post!!!**
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I seriously think Caleb is my angel on earth. I have been through so much as an individual in the past decade, which forced Caleb to go through it all as well. God has truly shown Himself to me through Caleb and his family in so many ways.
I'm not going to explain every molehill that we have been through as a couple so far, but there are a few instances that stand out in my mind and I think they have shaped who we are as God's children and as a couple.
Caleb grew up as a missionary/preacher's kid. I'm not saying that makes him perfect by any means, but most of his decisions were/are made with God's plan in mind and much prayer is put into his and his family's everyday life.
Even though I grew up in the church and had great Godly influences around me, my knowledge barely scratched the surface of what it meant to be a child of God. I put a lot of emphasis on outward appearance, took things that people said very personally, and depended a LOT on Caleb. It took a while, but God slowly broke me down and built me back up to understand that I don't need the best of worldly things, the approval of others, or someone to pick me up every time something goes wrong to have a fulfilled life.
In college I became extremely depressed and paranoid. I contemplated suicide three times and even started cutting myself to make the pain of certain things that had happened in recent years better. I thought if I felt pain on the outside I would feel better on the inside. I was very good at concealing this. Most people in my life don't know how low I got and how much I still struggle with depression daily, but Caleb sat by me so many times as I laid in bed for days with no affect or cried for hours because I had no idea what else to do, or locked myself in my bathroom as I cut away, or was paranoid that someone was talking behind my back and couldn't get over it. I should have known then that he loved me because most guys would have hit the road long ago!
But Caleb didn't give up on me. He set up doctor's appointments and counseling sessions for me and even went with me. I took four different anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications before finding a combination that worked for me and went to therapy for five months with three different counselors.
Today, my thinking has changed. I pray so much more and know that the only thing I really need is God's love. Even my earthly angel, Caleb, can't fix everything. Even though I have so much to learn about being Christ-like and I sin daily, and will always fall short of God's glory, I know that He will never leave me and with God on my side, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26 paraphrased).
No, I have no one horrific life challenge that brought me down, but it was part of God's plan to make the christian, wife, mother, and friend that I am today.
As God was bringing me closer to Him, Caleb was planning a proposal to ask me to be his wife...
With Caleb's family around 2003
Caleb's birthday 2006
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Our Love Story - Part V
We started the date getting some food at a local restaurant, then we headed to our next destination which Caleb kept a secret. However, after about forty minutes of driving around I figured out that he was lost. He finally told me we were supposed to be going to the next ice skating rink in our town but yes, he was lost. We ended up stopping at a gas station to ask for directions and realized the rink was right across the street.
We parked and got out. I was pretty excited about his awesome idea for our date but as we walked up the steps to the door we noticed a sign that said the rink was closed due to a hockey practice. Yes folks, not only did we get lost on the way there, but once we arrived it was closed. Poor Caleb felt like such an idiot.
When we got back into the car he put on Matchbox 20's Mad Season that starts by saying, "Well, I feel stupid." We both started laughing and I think that was the first time I was ever truly comfortable around Caleb. I realized he was human too and he was trying to impress me. Two years later we attended a Matchbox 20 concert and to this day whenever we are on a road trip we always put in MB20. After the mishap we decided to get ice cream and go to the local park.
At the park we sat on the swings and talked. There, Caleb kissed me for the second time and it was amazing! This is when I started to fall in love with my future husband...
We parked and got out. I was pretty excited about his awesome idea for our date but as we walked up the steps to the door we noticed a sign that said the rink was closed due to a hockey practice. Yes folks, not only did we get lost on the way there, but once we arrived it was closed. Poor Caleb felt like such an idiot.
When we got back into the car he put on Matchbox 20's Mad Season that starts by saying, "Well, I feel stupid." We both started laughing and I think that was the first time I was ever truly comfortable around Caleb. I realized he was human too and he was trying to impress me. Two years later we attended a Matchbox 20 concert and to this day whenever we are on a road trip we always put in MB20. After the mishap we decided to get ice cream and go to the local park.
At the park we sat on the swings and talked. There, Caleb kissed me for the second time and it was amazing! This is when I started to fall in love with my future husband...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Our Love Story - Part IV
We started walking toward the ocean. It was a beautiful morning but pretty windy. Once we got to the beach we turned left and quickly realized we were walking into the wind and could barely hear what each other was saying. This is what made it so awkward.
As we walked side by side and I tried hard to keep my balance (if you know me you know I'm a klutz), Caleb told me he did have feelings for me, but he didn't want anyone especially a girl to come in between his relationship with Christ (*what 16 year old boy says that?!). I agreed (I think I would have agreed to anything at that moment) and we turned around began to walk back when Caleb asked to hold my hand *insert giddy smile here*
Two days later we were back home and I was nervous.
For years my parents told me I couldn't date until I turned 16 and I still had one month until my 16th birthday. However, I didn't mention this to Caleb and was scared that if he knew I couldn't go on a date with him for a whole month (that's a really long time to a teenager) he wouldn't want to be with me. Looking back now, I didn't know Caleb very well back then. Anyway, I had a heart to heart with my dad about he told us we could go out with groups until I my birthday. Surprised, Caleb was cool about it and so started our courtship.
We had no idea what we were in for...
A few weeks later we were at a friend's house to celebrate the Fourth of July and went on yet another walk by ourselves while the burgers were grilling. I had wanted to kiss Caleb for so long and had already decided that this would be the perfect time for that perfect first kiss.
So, we walked and talked for a few minutes then stopped. We stood in front of each other and our heads starting moving closer and closer. I was thinking, "I can't believe this is happening!!!!!!!!!!!!" But as our lip lock session continued, it got worse and worse. Honestly, it sucked and we both knew it. Granted by this time in our lives Caleb had only kissed one other girl and I had only kissed three other guys so we weren't exactly seasoned veterans at tonsil hockey.
Afterwards, I felt so stupid! I was so insecure about our relationship to begin with and even more now that I was horrible at kissing. Nevertheless, Caleb brushed it off and two weeks later he showed up at my door with a bouquet of flowers dressed in my favorite shirt of his with big plans for our first date...
As we walked side by side and I tried hard to keep my balance (if you know me you know I'm a klutz), Caleb told me he did have feelings for me, but he didn't want anyone especially a girl to come in between his relationship with Christ (*what 16 year old boy says that?!). I agreed (I think I would have agreed to anything at that moment) and we turned around began to walk back when Caleb asked to hold my hand *insert giddy smile here*
Two days later we were back home and I was nervous.
For years my parents told me I couldn't date until I turned 16 and I still had one month until my 16th birthday. However, I didn't mention this to Caleb and was scared that if he knew I couldn't go on a date with him for a whole month (that's a really long time to a teenager) he wouldn't want to be with me. Looking back now, I didn't know Caleb very well back then. Anyway, I had a heart to heart with my dad about he told us we could go out with groups until I my birthday. Surprised, Caleb was cool about it and so started our courtship.
We had no idea what we were in for...
A few weeks later we were at a friend's house to celebrate the Fourth of July and went on yet another walk by ourselves while the burgers were grilling. I had wanted to kiss Caleb for so long and had already decided that this would be the perfect time for that perfect first kiss.
So, we walked and talked for a few minutes then stopped. We stood in front of each other and our heads starting moving closer and closer. I was thinking, "I can't believe this is happening!!!!!!!!!!!!" But as our lip lock session continued, it got worse and worse. Honestly, it sucked and we both knew it. Granted by this time in our lives Caleb had only kissed one other girl and I had only kissed three other guys so we weren't exactly seasoned veterans at tonsil hockey.
Afterwards, I felt so stupid! I was so insecure about our relationship to begin with and even more now that I was horrible at kissing. Nevertheless, Caleb brushed it off and two weeks later he showed up at my door with a bouquet of flowers dressed in my favorite shirt of his with big plans for our first date...
Our Love Story - Part III
The youth group of the church I attended always goes to a convention called Breakaway in June. I was so excited to go with everyone that year. Plus, Caleb and Mike would be there!
I ended up having to go a day late due to dance but I was so excited to get there and see my friends.
The night I got there I sat beside Mike and after the sermon he gave me a hug. Even though we had been flirting for a while I think both of us knew we didn't belong together, but I could see in the corner of my eye that Caleb was watching and maybe looked a little jealous. Still, all Caleb said to me the entire night was "hey, glad you made it."
The next day my friends and I headed to the beach. The boys were there too ; ) We all ventured into the water and Caleb and I were flirting up a storm teenage style. He would pick me up and dip me in the water and of course I would say "no, stop, ha ha!" even though I really loved it!
After playing around for a while Caleb and I went to the patio area and started talking. He asked me about my family and the role Jesus had in my life. I was hooked! Hot, athletic, and God-fearing. What a catch! But I kept asking myself why and if he did like me.
That night after dinner and a sermon some of us staying inside to watch Remember the Titans. I was late to the movie because two of my friends were having a drama moment, but once we got to the sanctuary where they had the movie projected, Caleb motioned to me because he had saved me a seat beside him.
I don't remember a thing that happened in the movie because my heart was beating so fast and I had butterflies in my stomach. However, on the other side of him was a girl who also liked Caleb. They were sharing a chair for their feet and she was sitting mighty close to him and moving closer every 5 minutes it seemed. So, while pretending to watch the movie I was trying to figure out if I had read his signals wrong at the beach earlier that day. I thought he like me. I mean he saved me a seat, he dunked me repeatedly in the ocean and we had a great conversation. I didn't understand! My heart was beating even faster now. Just when I thought it was hopeless I felt his arm brush up against mine and suddenly he grabbed my hand.
I think I was stiff for about three minutes because I was so surprised. I could hear my friends behind us whispering in delight and finally started to relax a little. Now, my mind was running 1000 miles a minute! "Is this really happening?! Does he really like me?"
After the movie he walked me to my room and we said goodnight. All the while we were holding hands and everyone noticed. Even the guys because as we were all walking back to the rooms Caleb's friend, Ryan yelled "yeah Caleb!" and everyone heard. I think we both turned fifteen shades redder at that moment.
However, when I walked into the room I was staying in I was greeted with not so encouraging words by my roommates. I went to sleep that night thinking that Caleb just held every girl's hand who showed him interest and it wasn't a big deal. I had no idea what had just happened. Was it for real? Did he like me or was he leading me on?
I turned Amanda for help. We talked about it along with Ben, her now husband and Mike's brother. Did you catch all of that : ) Anyway, they both agreed that I should just talk to Caleb about it and find out what the heck was going on with us (if there was an us) directly from him.
Apparently Caleb was thinking the same thing so he found me and asked if we could go for a walk on the beach. This would be the most awkward, but amazing walk I would ever go on...
I ended up having to go a day late due to dance but I was so excited to get there and see my friends.
The night I got there I sat beside Mike and after the sermon he gave me a hug. Even though we had been flirting for a while I think both of us knew we didn't belong together, but I could see in the corner of my eye that Caleb was watching and maybe looked a little jealous. Still, all Caleb said to me the entire night was "hey, glad you made it."
The next day my friends and I headed to the beach. The boys were there too ; ) We all ventured into the water and Caleb and I were flirting up a storm teenage style. He would pick me up and dip me in the water and of course I would say "no, stop, ha ha!" even though I really loved it!
After playing around for a while Caleb and I went to the patio area and started talking. He asked me about my family and the role Jesus had in my life. I was hooked! Hot, athletic, and God-fearing. What a catch! But I kept asking myself why and if he did like me.
That night after dinner and a sermon some of us staying inside to watch Remember the Titans. I was late to the movie because two of my friends were having a drama moment, but once we got to the sanctuary where they had the movie projected, Caleb motioned to me because he had saved me a seat beside him.
I don't remember a thing that happened in the movie because my heart was beating so fast and I had butterflies in my stomach. However, on the other side of him was a girl who also liked Caleb. They were sharing a chair for their feet and she was sitting mighty close to him and moving closer every 5 minutes it seemed. So, while pretending to watch the movie I was trying to figure out if I had read his signals wrong at the beach earlier that day. I thought he like me. I mean he saved me a seat, he dunked me repeatedly in the ocean and we had a great conversation. I didn't understand! My heart was beating even faster now. Just when I thought it was hopeless I felt his arm brush up against mine and suddenly he grabbed my hand.
I think I was stiff for about three minutes because I was so surprised. I could hear my friends behind us whispering in delight and finally started to relax a little. Now, my mind was running 1000 miles a minute! "Is this really happening?! Does he really like me?"
After the movie he walked me to my room and we said goodnight. All the while we were holding hands and everyone noticed. Even the guys because as we were all walking back to the rooms Caleb's friend, Ryan yelled "yeah Caleb!" and everyone heard. I think we both turned fifteen shades redder at that moment.
However, when I walked into the room I was staying in I was greeted with not so encouraging words by my roommates. I went to sleep that night thinking that Caleb just held every girl's hand who showed him interest and it wasn't a big deal. I had no idea what had just happened. Was it for real? Did he like me or was he leading me on?
I turned Amanda for help. We talked about it along with Ben, her now husband and Mike's brother. Did you catch all of that : ) Anyway, they both agreed that I should just talk to Caleb about it and find out what the heck was going on with us (if there was an us) directly from him.
Apparently Caleb was thinking the same thing so he found me and asked if we could go for a walk on the beach. This would be the most awkward, but amazing walk I would ever go on...
This is Amanda and me after dinner one night during Breakaway. I have no idea what happened to all of the other photos from the trip.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Our Love Story - Part II
In high school I was one busy girl. I was a part of a ballet company and had at least two dance classes Monday through Thursday and sometimes on Friday. I was making good grades and had started going to church with a new friend.
Now, you should know that I asked Jesus into my heart when I was eleven years old. However, I didn't really understand what that meant until my junior year of college, but that's an entirely different story with many parts as well. However, visiting this new church with my new friend helped soften me so that I could understand what the sacrifice of Christ really means. I met so many great people there. One of them being Caleb.
When I saw Caleb for the first time at a youth function I couldn't believe it was him. He had braces (no more gap!), a new haircut, and a tan. It was seriously a scene from the teenage movies where the guy walks in and this awesome rock music starts playing and there's a halo of light surrounding him and its all in slow motion. You know you are picturing your it guy in the same scene right now : )
A group of us started hanging out a lot together, Caleb included. I loved spending time with this group of people because they were christians, had a sense of humor, and Caleb was there.
While in high school I was on the yearbook staff. While on the staff I was an editor, but I started taking photos of school events for the book to learn more about photography. I started really getting into taking photos but what really made me more enthusiastic about taking photos for the yearbook, was going to wrestling practices and tournaments and soccer practices and weekly games. Why you ask? Caleb played soccer and was on the wrestling team in high school. I didn't make it obvious or anything! *sarcasm
Once everyone in our group of friends figured out that I had the hots for Caleb they didn't let it go, so soon after, Caleb started to pick up on it (I'm sure if he were telling this story it would be completely different).
At this point Caleb and I sat at lunch together, with a few other people. One being the husband of my housemate at the moment, but that, again, is for a different post.
Caleb and I started writing notes to each other during classes and handing them off at lunch. They were mostly about what we were doing that day, but there was one particular note that Caleb didn't give me until lunch was over and he seemed kind of nervous about. I read it on the way to my third block and stopped in my tracks and started smiling. The entire note was flirting and at the end there was an old school "choose one" question.
The question was:
Do you like me?
And my choices were:
yes, you are the hottest guy I know
yes, I can't live without you
Of course!
In my 15 year old mind this note showed that he did like me, but I didn't want to be too sure so I let some people read it and give their feedback. Remember, I was 15. The feedback was possitive so I confronted Caleb about it after school on his way to soccer practice. I'm thinking this was mid April 2001.
When I asked him about it (which by the way, took lots courage on my part) he shut me down. He told it was a joke and he didn't mean for me to take it the wrong way.
I left school so bummed! I didn't do well in any of my dance classes that afternoon. I was heartbroken!
So, my conclusion was to get over him and turn my attention to someone else. So I started liking my friend Mike. He lived across the street so we saw each other a lot and he was so nice and easy to talk to and not to mention a christian. However, things just never seemed right with him and we never made it past friends and Caleb was always in the back of my mind.
Then summer approached...
Now, you should know that I asked Jesus into my heart when I was eleven years old. However, I didn't really understand what that meant until my junior year of college, but that's an entirely different story with many parts as well. However, visiting this new church with my new friend helped soften me so that I could understand what the sacrifice of Christ really means. I met so many great people there. One of them being Caleb.
When I saw Caleb for the first time at a youth function I couldn't believe it was him. He had braces (no more gap!), a new haircut, and a tan. It was seriously a scene from the teenage movies where the guy walks in and this awesome rock music starts playing and there's a halo of light surrounding him and its all in slow motion. You know you are picturing your it guy in the same scene right now : )
A group of us started hanging out a lot together, Caleb included. I loved spending time with this group of people because they were christians, had a sense of humor, and Caleb was there.
While in high school I was on the yearbook staff. While on the staff I was an editor, but I started taking photos of school events for the book to learn more about photography. I started really getting into taking photos but what really made me more enthusiastic about taking photos for the yearbook, was going to wrestling practices and tournaments and soccer practices and weekly games. Why you ask? Caleb played soccer and was on the wrestling team in high school. I didn't make it obvious or anything! *sarcasm
Once everyone in our group of friends figured out that I had the hots for Caleb they didn't let it go, so soon after, Caleb started to pick up on it (I'm sure if he were telling this story it would be completely different).
At this point Caleb and I sat at lunch together, with a few other people. One being the husband of my housemate at the moment, but that, again, is for a different post.
Caleb and I started writing notes to each other during classes and handing them off at lunch. They were mostly about what we were doing that day, but there was one particular note that Caleb didn't give me until lunch was over and he seemed kind of nervous about. I read it on the way to my third block and stopped in my tracks and started smiling. The entire note was flirting and at the end there was an old school "choose one" question.
The question was:
Do you like me?
And my choices were:
yes, you are the hottest guy I know
yes, I can't live without you
Of course!
In my 15 year old mind this note showed that he did like me, but I didn't want to be too sure so I let some people read it and give their feedback. Remember, I was 15. The feedback was possitive so I confronted Caleb about it after school on his way to soccer practice. I'm thinking this was mid April 2001.
When I asked him about it (which by the way, took lots courage on my part) he shut me down. He told it was a joke and he didn't mean for me to take it the wrong way.
I left school so bummed! I didn't do well in any of my dance classes that afternoon. I was heartbroken!
So, my conclusion was to get over him and turn my attention to someone else. So I started liking my friend Mike. He lived across the street so we saw each other a lot and he was so nice and easy to talk to and not to mention a christian. However, things just never seemed right with him and we never made it past friends and Caleb was always in the back of my mind.
Then summer approached...
My dance crew in between classes.
My friend Amanda who started taking me to church with her (we both met our husbands there!)
The Lexington High School junior yearbook staff.
Caleb in 9th grade. I laugh at this photo because he looks way better now.
Soccer stud!
Monday, May 16, 2011
A Love Story - Part I
On June 30 my husband and I will have been together for a decade. Married for four years and dating for six. It has been an amazing ten years and so much has happened in this short time. Since I've wanted to write out our love story for a while I thought this would be a perfect time to do so.
Our story starts way before we even met because God had all of this planned. It is amazing to look back and see all that has happened and how God had it all planned out.
Caleb and I met in eighth grade science class. He sat behind me and lets just say I wasn't very attentive and he was not very talkative. So every time our teacher, Mrs. Fredrickson (whom I loved), would call one of our names we never knew which of us she was talking to because we sat so close and our names sound so much alike. Caleb was not much of a talker so I always ended up having to make a fool of myself and answering the question wrong because he wouldn't speak up. I did not like him!
At this point in my life I was the typical adolescent girl. Hyper hormonal, all about boys and very concerned with appearance. I was also kind of a brat! I called Caleb, Gappy, because he had a very noticeable gap between his two front teeth. Needless to say, we never fathomed that we would end up married.
Then we started high school...
Our story starts way before we even met because God had all of this planned. It is amazing to look back and see all that has happened and how God had it all planned out.
Caleb and I met in eighth grade science class. He sat behind me and lets just say I wasn't very attentive and he was not very talkative. So every time our teacher, Mrs. Fredrickson (whom I loved), would call one of our names we never knew which of us she was talking to because we sat so close and our names sound so much alike. Caleb was not much of a talker so I always ended up having to make a fool of myself and answering the question wrong because he wouldn't speak up. I did not like him!
At this point in my life I was the typical adolescent girl. Hyper hormonal, all about boys and very concerned with appearance. I was also kind of a brat! I called Caleb, Gappy, because he had a very noticeable gap between his two front teeth. Needless to say, we never fathomed that we would end up married.
Then we started high school...
This weekend was low key but great! On Friday night Emmy and I met up with my mom and dad to eat dinner. We had a great time and Emmy was happy and came with a big appetite. Someone in the restaurant even commented on how well she ate - even though I'm happy she loves to eat and isn't very picky, it doesn't help my checkbook at all!
On Saturday I had a photo shoot some Crissy babysat and apparently Emmy had a great time on their adventure to Home Depot because she was so happy all day! While we ate dinner we skyped with Caleb and he got to see first hand how well she's been eating. It was almost like having dinner together as a family. We cleared the table and Emmy helped me unload the dishwasher. After dinner we went for a walk around the neighborhood and Emmalyn was so curious about everything. It was so cute!
On Sunday we went to Lexington Baptist Church (we are still looking around for churches and I have every Sunday for the next month lined up to visit various churches around the area). My brother came with us, so we got to spend some time with him afterwards. Then, we all took a three hour nap. I woke up feeling AMAZING so Crissy, Katie Beth, and I decided to go see Bridesmaids. We dropped Emmy off at my parents' and headed on our way. We left the theater laughing! It was such a funny movie!
We got more skype time with Caleb on Sunday too. Emmalyn loves to talk to her Daddy! He was pointing to the different parts of his face and saying what they were (ie nose, eye, ear, mouth) and she caught on and started pointing to various parts of his face on the monitor. It makes my heart happy every time I see them communicating so well despite the current 800 miles in between them.
Now we are gearing up for a busy week. I'm trying to find a PRN job and keep up with lots of taking and editing photos. We are also starting some new things with Emmy this week (whole milk, and purchasing a potty). I don't plan to start potty training too soon, but I do want to have a potty (is this even the correct term for the mini plastic bowls that kids go in? ) ready for when she gets the hang of walking and so she can be familiar with them instead of introducing it to her and starting training all at once.
This is kind of the same strategy that I'm using with swimming. I want her to be comfortable in the water and to trust me before we do anything drastic so right now whenever we go to the pool we are taking it easy and just having fun. Emmalyn seems to be pretty fond of our pool trips and I can't wait to go this week.
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