A Confession

I have been wanting to write a post like this for a while now.  Actually, I have written it many times, but have never posted due to fear.  Fear that I would come across as pitiful and unappreciative.

I'm very depressed.  I will always have depression, and everyone goes through highs and lows during their life, but I was extremely down for a long time and was not a nice person to anyone around me or myself during that time.  Since then, I've been taking antidepressants, and have gone to counseling.  The combination has helped dramatically, but that doesn't guard against the inevitable highs and lows of life. 

After Elana's birth, I hit a low, and it hasn't stopped since.  I feel like everything I do is wrong.
I'm not a good mother, wife, daughter, sister, child of God, photographer, friend.  I feel like I have no real friendships that or that I actually allow my friends to know me.  I think I do this because I pushed a lot of friends away when I was depressed in college.  I know life gets in the way of continuing certain relationships, but I long for a friend who knows me well enough to see that when I'm having a hard time and actually try to help. 

But then I think, if I have no friends willing to do this for me, does this mean I'm not a good friend? 

There are so many aspects of my life that I'm not the person I thought I would be.  I'm not "put together" like I thought I would be; having a clean and clutter free home, take my kids to the park and play dates every other day, have patience that mirrors God's (lol right?!), the list goes on and on.

The truth is, I feel alone.  Like I have no one I can count on.  How does someone start a relationship like that at my age?

I need to find Kayla again.  I need a vacation, a friend, more time, motivation... But most of all I know that I need God.  I know He is there when no one else is.  He is there when I fail and when I feel like I'm not enough or stressed to my max.  And I do believe that He allows the lows to remind us that we are no in control and that we do need Him.  All the time.

So, this is not a pity party post.  This is for me to get my thoughts out and ask for prayers.  I can't just sit back and wait for God to make my life better.  I have to act on what He has given me and know that I am constantly blessed by him.

When did I grow up?

Yesterday I attended my first MOPS meeting and I was talking to a few of the other moms when I was asked, "how many kids do you have?"

As I answered, "two" I thought, wow, that sounds so grown up.  So adult like.  I'm a wife, a mother, a friend.  I mean, people depend on me.  It is my job to pay bills, make sure my kids get fed wholesome food, that they have clean clothes and linens, clean the house, make sure we have a stocked kitchen, the list goes on.  I love this life I have, but for some reason I've just felt so "adult" lately.  It is intimidating to have so much responsibility. 

Sometimes I really just want to sleep until 10, workout, watch trashy tv, have a spic and span house, get a pedicure, go shopping, work three 12-hr shifts in a row without feeling guilty or homesick, dress up  and go on a date with my hubby or out with the girls without having to get a sitter, pee without company, take a nap,eat chocolate in peace, have disposable funds, I could go on and on.  However, apparently from this list, if I didn't have kids, I'd be a well groomed, well dressed, 800lb woman with a pretty boring life. 

However, as I do love being a mom and embrace all of my responsibilities with purpose (most of the time) I do think it is beneficial to have "me" time.  To know who I am without the "mom" title. Photography helps give me a creative outlet, but I'm in need of some R&R.  A massage, pedicure, highlights, or heck, let's just go with the basics of a full night of sleep and an uninterrupted shower.

Until then, I'll keep  enjoying my everyday, which looks like this: