A Confession

I have been wanting to write a post like this for a while now.  Actually, I have written it many times, but have never posted due to fear.  Fear that I would come across as pitiful and unappreciative.

I'm very depressed.  I will always have depression, and everyone goes through highs and lows during their life, but I was extremely down for a long time and was not a nice person to anyone around me or myself during that time.  Since then, I've been taking antidepressants, and have gone to counseling.  The combination has helped dramatically, but that doesn't guard against the inevitable highs and lows of life. 

After Elana's birth, I hit a low, and it hasn't stopped since.  I feel like everything I do is wrong.
I'm not a good mother, wife, daughter, sister, child of God, photographer, friend.  I feel like I have no real friendships that or that I actually allow my friends to know me.  I think I do this because I pushed a lot of friends away when I was depressed in college.  I know life gets in the way of continuing certain relationships, but I long for a friend who knows me well enough to see that when I'm having a hard time and actually try to help. 

But then I think, if I have no friends willing to do this for me, does this mean I'm not a good friend? 

There are so many aspects of my life that I'm not the person I thought I would be.  I'm not "put together" like I thought I would be; having a clean and clutter free home, take my kids to the park and play dates every other day, have patience that mirrors God's (lol right?!), the list goes on and on.

The truth is, I feel alone.  Like I have no one I can count on.  How does someone start a relationship like that at my age?

I need to find Kayla again.  I need a vacation, a friend, more time, motivation... But most of all I know that I need God.  I know He is there when no one else is.  He is there when I fail and when I feel like I'm not enough or stressed to my max.  And I do believe that He allows the lows to remind us that we are no in control and that we do need Him.  All the time.

So, this is not a pity party post.  This is for me to get my thoughts out and ask for prayers.  I can't just sit back and wait for God to make my life better.  I have to act on what He has given me and know that I am constantly blessed by him.

When did I grow up?

Yesterday I attended my first MOPS meeting and I was talking to a few of the other moms when I was asked, "how many kids do you have?"

As I answered, "two" I thought, wow, that sounds so grown up.  So adult like.  I'm a wife, a mother, a friend.  I mean, people depend on me.  It is my job to pay bills, make sure my kids get fed wholesome food, that they have clean clothes and linens, clean the house, make sure we have a stocked kitchen, the list goes on.  I love this life I have, but for some reason I've just felt so "adult" lately.  It is intimidating to have so much responsibility. 

Sometimes I really just want to sleep until 10, workout, watch trashy tv, have a spic and span house, get a pedicure, go shopping, work three 12-hr shifts in a row without feeling guilty or homesick, dress up  and go on a date with my hubby or out with the girls without having to get a sitter, pee without company, take a nap,eat chocolate in peace, have disposable funds, I could go on and on.  However, apparently from this list, if I didn't have kids, I'd be a well groomed, well dressed, 800lb woman with a pretty boring life. 

However, as I do love being a mom and embrace all of my responsibilities with purpose (most of the time) I do think it is beneficial to have "me" time.  To know who I am without the "mom" title. Photography helps give me a creative outlet, but I'm in need of some R&R.  A massage, pedicure, highlights, or heck, let's just go with the basics of a full night of sleep and an uninterrupted shower.

Until then, I'll keep  enjoying my everyday, which looks like this:

Favorite Baby Items

I decided to list some of my favorite baby items and a couple that I wish I had.  

The Safe Sippy 2-in-1 Sippy to Straw Bottle

I don't really have a review on this one yet.  I just purchased it from Amazon.

So, these are pretty self explanatory and, in my opinion, priceless.  If you don't have kids, they could be somewhat of a nuisance, but for the peace of mind that they provide, I'm all for it. 

So, I don't actually own this...yet.  I'm still thinking about it.  My friend, Liz, actually mentioned how helpful something like this would be when our first kids were babies, and as I think back on last summer and the time I spent waiting for the car to cool down before Emmy would get in her car seat, I'm beginning to think the $7 investment might be worth it.

I love these mesh food feeders for babies.  There are actually a lot of versions on the market, but Emmy really loved them and Elana has tried it a couple of times and done well.

For the cute newborn onesies that baby only gets to wear a handful of times...  Onesie extenders.  Genius!

This is something I'd love but think it completely unnecessary!  I've always loved to bike and think the versatility is useful, but I'm not fond of the price tag.

I've seen this on pinterest before and looked into it.  Now that Elana is starting to eat more and I'm not a fan of nursing in public (I'm just not that good at it), this is a perfect alternative to feeding her on the run.

And, my most favorite baby item... The MobiCam, or any video monitor.  We didn't have one until Emmy turned two, but I won't ever go back.  I love that I can see if Elana is crying because she has flung the blanket over her head or because she is just fighting sleep, and I can talk to Emmalyn while she is in her room from the monitor.  Caleb even liked messing with Emmy before she realized we could see her, fun times. 

It was a good day

After an entire day of waiting, looking out the window longingly, and checking weather.com hourly, we finally got snow.  Not a lot, but enough to have some fun with.  

I was woken up last Wednesday by Emmy leaning over me and saying, "Mama, it did snow at our house!  Come on.   I hava show you!"

She was so excited.  We waited until about 9:30am to venture outside.  Emmy and daddy played and constructed their snowmen until about 11, when Emmy decided she was too cold and wanted to go inside.  Then, after some lunch and a rest we went back out for another couple of hours "sledding" SC redneck style with an empty clothes basket.  

After dinner, Caleb set up the fire pit and we made smores for dessert.  It was such a good day with our little family.  That night, no one had any trouble going to sleep.

Now, where's spring?

SAHM vs WM - My Two Cents

I'm a stay at home mom.  I enjoy being a SAHM.  I have not always been a SAHM and it bugged me on a daily basis.  I would feel sick to my stomach going to work.  Not that I didn't like my job, but because I ached to be with Emmy.  This is not the case for every mom. 

I was at a play date yesterday with a working mom.  She mentioned this video.  Granted, it is a heartwarming short film about how sweet motherhood is and taking care of kids day in and day out is tedious and not for everyone, but do SAHM think that working moms don't do the same things on a daily basis that we do?  I mean, we all love our children and just because one mom stays home or goes to work doesn't mean that any one of us love our kids any less.

I feel like there is a war going on between SAHM and WM (working moms) that doesn't need to be happening and it is kind of sad that the judging is happening when all we should be doing is concentrating on raising our children to the best of our ability and building each other up.

We all have sleepless nights, we all play nurse to a sick child, we all discipline for unacceptable behavior, we all feed our children, we play with our kids, and teach them our values.  No one of us should be idolizing our way of life and judging others for not choosing our lifestyle. 

I don't know about other moms, but I'm just trying to stay sane on a daily basis.

There are videos of working moms too.  Like this one (it is long and I skipped through some parts, but it does show that working moms are no less "mom" than SAHMs.

I just want to reiterate that we are called "mom" and whether we stay home or work (in any sense) our responsibilities are the same and taking care of our kids should be our highest priority.

Life Lately

So, the threat of a PT test puts my husband in fitness overdrive.  We have been eating more clean that we ever have and doing INSANITY workouts almost every night.  My whole body hurts, but I think it is nice to do something challenging with my husband.

 While Caleb and I are on a fitness kick, Emmy is on a Frozen kick.  Everyday we are either watching the movie (thanks to a friend for the link!), listening to the soundtrack, reading the book, or acting out scenes from the movie.  Elsa and Anna are common names in our house lately.

And, thanks to postpartum hormone nosedives, my hair is in desperate need of an overhaul.  A cut and some color is in my near future.

I'm thinking...

A cut like this

With color like this...

 

We shall see. 

That time we went to the movies...

...And took 18 people with us. - 9 kids (one nine, eight, seven, year old; two five year olds; three, three year olds; one 3 month old) and 7 adults. 

Yes, one rainy day, the week after Christmas, the Wilkes clan decided to venture out to see the new Disney movie, Frozen.

Since then, Emmy has been obsessed with everything Frozen.  She asks to watch the movie at least once a day, wants to have dance parties with the music from it, and quotes scenes constantly.  If only I could get her to learn her bible verses with as much enthusiasm. 

Mesmerized by Frozen.